Two weeks after the ‘National Enquirer’ promised “World War 3 is coming!” the president’s favorite media mouthpiece announces: “Trump’s Plan For World Peace!” As plans go, it’s a doozy.
President Trump will “project a persona suggestive of unpredictable, even erratic, behavior on the world stage. This will deter America’s enemies from provocation since they will not know how the president will react.”
This is according to “official documents” from a secret White House project code-named “Olive Branch.”
Considering that the ‘Enquirer’ has close links with Trump, who last year went on the record wondering why the magazine hadn’t won a Pulitzer Prize, it’s reassuring to know that even the president’s most ardent supporters believe that his actions suggest mental instability.
“People think he’s crazy,” the ‘Enquirer’ source reveals. No argument there.
Continuing the tabloids’ passion for politics, the ‘Globe’ reports that “crooked Hillary Clinton is terrified she’s going to die in prison” after Trump supposedly killed a plea bargain deal that would have let her escape jail in return for a “full confession” of her alleged corruption and mishandling of state secrets on her personal internet server. Clinton allegedly “called the president in tears, begging for mercy.” So much for Trump’s post-election promise not to prosecute Hillary.
On a happier note, the ‘Globe’ reports former President Obama revealing “I’m Gay!” in “secret love letters to ex.” Ignoring for one moment the fact that most love letters are “secret” because they’re invariably sent to one’s lover rather than published nationally, this allegation originates in a new Obama biography by David Garrow which includes “newly discovered love letters.” In these missives, penned by a young Obama, the future president allegedly wrote to his girlfriend “that he had thought about and considered gayness, but ultimately had decided that a same-sex relationship would be less challenging and demanding than developing one with the opposite sex.” Which hardly seems to warrant the ‘Globe’ headline: “Obama Comes Out of the Closet!”
The ‘Enquirer’ uses the same Obama biography by David Garrow to claim “Obama’s Gay Secret Is Out!” while referencing entirely different material: Obama’s admiration for an openly gay assistant professor while he was a student at Occidental College, California, in 1980. “He was a terrific guy,” said Obama. Yep. That’s as good a gay confession as swinging from the chandelier in a San Francisco bath house.
Back in the world of show-business, the tabloids revert to their usual unwavering respect for the facts.
Angelina Jolie’s health has been saved by sheep placenta treatments, a British pop star is under investigation for raping a 14-year-old girl 41 years ago in South Africa, and “secret” FBI files supposedly reveal that Tom Cruise was criticized as prone to “temper tantrums” and “violent tendencies” by his former Scientology girlfriend, according to the ‘Enquirer.’
Actress Kirstie Alley, who the ‘Globe’ team of amusement park midway-trained “Guess Your Weight” experts declare is hitting the scales at 252 pounds, is “eating herself to death,” consuming “4,147 calories a day!” That’s an astonishingly precise calorie count, which serves as testimony to the nutritional expertise the ‘Globe’ has at its disposal as it weighs, measures and calculates every last bite that Alley consumes. Where’s the Pulitzer Prize for the ‘Globe’ when they deserve it?
Fortunately we have the indefatigable investigative reporting team at ‘Us’ magazine to tell us that Rita Ora wore it best, actor Charlie Hunnam wishes he could meet Santa Claus to “thank him for all the presents,” ‘Vanderpump Rules’ star Scheana Marie carries a spare pair of contact lenses, Visine and her Disneyland annual pass in her GiGi New York satchel, and that the stars are just like us: they bicycle, carry beach bags, pump their own gas, and – shock! horror! – “they shop at Target.” It hardly seems possible, but ‘Us’ has the photo of Angelina Jolie loading up her SUV after a Target shopping spree. Must be the sheep placenta warping her mind.
Have you been missing Taylor Swift lately? No, me neither. But ‘Us’ magazine helpfully tells us that she’s been missing for months in its cover story: “Why She Disappeared.” Apparently Tay felt “over-exposed” after break-ups, a feud with Kim Kardashian and Kanye West, and a fan backlash, and hasn’t been seen since a pre-Super Bowl performance in February. How did we survive three whole months without Taylor Swift? Fortunately our long national nightmare is over, and apparently she’s been in the recording studio, doubtless poised to bring us more bubbly songs about appalling ex-boyfriends.
‘People’ magazine devotes its cover to Goldie Hawn talking about “family, fame & making love last.” The 71-year-old comedienne reveals next to nothing, and consumes eight pages doing it. How does she make love last? “Family. Fun. Laughs. Sex.” Truly insightful. It feels like she’s bared her soul.
Yet again, it’s the ‘National Examiner’ that provides us with the week’s most improbable factually accurate story: “Real-Life Hobbits Found!’ It hardly matters that the fossils of a race of miniature-sized humanoids who died out 15,000 years ago were found on the Indonesian island of Flores back in 2003. The ‘Examiner’ helpfully informs us that “these hobbits didn’t battle dragons to reclaim fabled rings.” It’s that sort of truth in journalism that will restore America’s faith in the media.
Onwards and downwards . . .